Gotta start somewhere...

I've never done this before but I keep hearing that if one wants to start a blog, just get to it already and write. So that's what I'm doing now.

Time: 12:18am, Wednesday
Spot: Sofa (Southward), Living Room

Why am I doing this now? Who knows. Part of me wants to go to sleep but my mind is racing too much right now to crash. I would normally just post some snippets of my thoughts to Twitter and call it a night but I'm actually being considerate at this moment and trying not to wake up my lady who may be asleep in bed (my new Twitter postings automatically get text-messaged to her).

Some of the thoughts bouncing around in my head at this moment:
Jared (8, about to be 9) - future stepson (more on him in the future)




Sandra (fuck you if you think I'm gonna tell ya) - my lady and future wife





Jared's father - MIA
My masculinity
Emotions/feelings, or lack thereof
Father-figures
Authority

Let's see if I can put down in a more coherent form and expand on what I have listed above. Earlier tonight, just as the boy (what I call Jared occasionally) was about to go to bed, I stopped by his room to remind him to brush his teeth before turning in. The boy had one of his pillows in his hand, and the moment I tell him not to forget to brush his teeth before bed, he throws his pillow down hard and has a little shitfit. Now, I tend to be a logical person by nature and also very detached most of the time. It's probably why I come off sounding so serious/menacing/negative to the boy more often than not. Knowing myself pretty well, I can honestly say that I rarely, if ever, actively try to be negative with the boy. I may nitpick on shit a bunch but I'm not antagonistic with it. I think I used the wrong word there but it's late and I'm too tired to give a shit right now.

Moving on, I stop Jared just as he's about to stomp off to the bathroom to ask him why is he so upset? Now, when I ask him this, from my point of view, I'm only looking to try and understand the kid and why is he so angry about something he knows he has to do each night? Maybe I'm too detached/logical during times like that, but I don't see what the harm is in asking the question. Well, the boy has this habit of simply staying quiet when he's asked a question he doesn't like or may have to give an answer that would make him implicate himself in some manner. Fuck if it there is anything more annoying at times. But I've decided to simply push through those dead spaces of silence that the boy creates and see if I can better understand him. The boy rarely tells his mother or me what he's thinking/feeling so with me coming into this relationship a few years late, I'm playing catch-up in understanding why he does the things he does. Irrational actions confuse me and children by nature are irrational. And Jared can really act irrational from time to time. But no matter. To make a long story short, I try to explain to the boy that I'm trying to better understand him and that's why I ask the question (I know I get long-winded but I'm trying to work on that). Jared at this point has a look on his face as if he doesn't give two shits. He finally deems to respond and simply asks why I just can't let him be mad and leave it at that? I try taking another tact and tell him honestly that my other reaction to seeing him throw his little shitfits is to slap the shit out of him but I don't since I just want to understand him.

It is at this point that the boy's mother, my lady, has gotten up from bed and decided to intervene. She tells me to leave him alone and sends the boy to brush his teeth. I try to explain my actions and she doesn't want to hear it. I think she sees the whole situation as me bullying the boy. I head into the room and I hear her saying to the boy to just ignore me when I get like that because my feelings are hurt when the boy acts out or something. In a sense I guess, emasculating me to the boy so he won't feel bad.

I think this is what set my mind a rolling. I tried pushing away the ponderings with some TV but that was a no-go. So, I'm here now. I understand Sandra wanting to comfort the boy when he's upset. That is easy. I don't necessarily understand the emasculation part. Maybe I'm thinking on this whole thing too much. It seems though as when my lady comforts the boy in such a manner, by saying to ignore me on certain occasions, it undercuts any authority I may have with him in the future as a father-figure? Since the boy's father is not around, by his own choice, to provide a role-model for the boy on a regular basis, the onus falls on me (regardless of my/Jared's/Sandra's opinion). And I gladly take it because I do love the boy and his mother. Shit. He actually even reminds me of myself at his age. And in a scary way as in he's very similar to how I was back then. I swear he could be my own flesh and blood.

I have been accused of not being human in the way I can compartmentalize my emotions and/or detach myself in general from feeling anything in a given situation. This may, or may not, be true but I don't really give a fuck to be honest. I just know that more often than not, when I deal with the boy on certain occasions, I'm not feeling anything good or bad. I'm simply speaking to him; like I was earlier tonight.

I don't really know where I'm going with any of this. Maybe wondering how/if I'll ever be a real father to the boy? Maybe wondering if I should just leave all care of the boy to his mother and not get in the middle of it so as not to cause confusion? I think I just needed to clear my head for a bit. Too tired and don't care enough to edit post. Just a straight-up stream of consciousness. Such is life, and I think I'll just stop here.